Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!