I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.