I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
