R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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