six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize