I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..