final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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