my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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