Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize