i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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