I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
