I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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