Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
