I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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