things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
