Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
