I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
