while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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