So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor