I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
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P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more