just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize