Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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