Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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