The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO