It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
