You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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