WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.