you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone