please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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