watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
