I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
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Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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