Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
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HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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