So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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