areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
