Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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