put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
