I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You are the jesus of drinking
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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