I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
