btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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