I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
