I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
