i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
