Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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