Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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