Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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