I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get