how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.