how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail