I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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