My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
