tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
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But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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