is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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