it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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