i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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