No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
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Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
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I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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